Today it feels like I'm juggling, trying to keep all the balls in the air, but the balls, they are falling and rolling under the furniture! Let me explain:
Last week I was employed, in management, entering the work my team and I had done for some impressive marketing awards. Today - I'm scuttling along in the ranks of the unemployed. And the balls have fallen - oh not lost forever, but I am going to have to get down and dirty to find where they've all gone.
And what was the cause of this change in status? Oh long long story short - politics. It's the one big hazard of being a bureaucrat. A G-man (or in my case G woman or as I would rather call it "G Chick) A public servant. And like many servants over the course of history - I've been kicked to the curb.
Is this my first time round you might ask? No - most people have either quit because they will not take crap or mistreatment or they'll keep going until someone opens the door and shoo's them out. This is not a good feeling.
In fact I was surprised today to find that the many fauceted emotional roller coaster of a newly redundant one was ganging up on me.
Now I am aware of the concerned, caring tone of those who feel they need to let you know "there are many emotional stages you'll go through" but I tend to place those people into one of two categories: those who really do care for you and are trying to help; and those who get paid to tell you crap like that when in fact they are planning what to cook for supper that night once they've handed out the pink slips.
And yes I have been angry. Beyond angry - for being quietly and quickly ousted from something I have put my heart and soul into for the past few years. A gals creative juices can only take her so far tho, and that ugly little "omg you are gonna be fired" demon has been lurking around in the grass, nipping at my ankles like a chihuahua on speed, annoying, won't go away....yeah if you've been in my shoes (and what adorable shoes they are I might add) you know what I'm talking about.
No one who gets fired is surprised. Well almost no one. There are the signs, the inklings, the little nagging and the itchy bad "someone is out to get me" signals that perhaps we tend to ignore or push to the back. Sometimes you can head them off at the pass, but sometimes they spring out of the scrub brush at you and BOOM you are done!
The realization that I am not replaceable is more of a blow to the ego than I am prepared for. There I said it - I feel rejected. Like I lost. And they won. Which would be true if you don't count the big obvious: Under it all, under the little girly pout "they didn't pick me for the team" and under the anger and sadness is a tidal wave of "oh thank the lord I'm done with that!" A huge Woohoo has been trying to sweep over me at every turn.
Oh yea, it's true. I'm not kidding myself. There is the reality: I need an income. I have bills. I am supporting the Canadian economy, making sure the money flows in and out like the tide. But overwhelmingly I am releaved. Happy to be on a road to who knows where. Glad to shed the crap and mould of local politics for the short term and emerge clean and new and ready for the next adventure.
In the big picture, does it matter what decisions were made that impacted my career? Nope - not really. The muni elections are in October and hell I am not even a constituent in their riding! HA!
The time is perfect - spring - which is condusive to new growth despite some short term storms.
My plan - get that resume out - and so far, so good - I've found 4 very intriguing positions to apply for, and am feeling pretty dang confident.
Phase two of the plan: get a new suit, some blouses and a couple of pairs of shoes. Why? Well snappy appearance aside, I wantto go shopping!
Phase three: trust in the Lord - because all kidding and whining aside - it's HIS plan, and He's never let me down!
Yup, I'm gonna be a sharp dressed, well coiffed, praying and job applying fool! Who knows where this will lead? New career? Self-employed? Back to school?
Stay tuned my friends - as I gather those balls, and learn to juggle again. Rock on!
