Not to sound too depressing, or depressed, but its 7 months since my identity changed.
I’m no longer a wife: not cherished, not loved passionately, no longer a partner at the table, or a co-conspirator planning the next adventure. I don’t wake up to a big warm breathing man in the morning. I think that is one of the toughest things to get my head around, the aloneness. I am fortunate that I have a wonderful strong group of friends who check in on me, encouraging me to get out and live. Which I try to do. More on that in a bit. But times the loneliness is hard to bear. Thank God for so many wonderful memories.
I’m no longer interested in getting up and getting cleaned up, dressed for the day. Indeed my motivation for a day not just in pajamas is tough to find, particularly on weekends. When waking up at 3:30 a.m., checking messages and emails keeps me awake till 7 a.m., its super easy to just go back to sleep until later, as in 11:30 !!! Not a good habit. Fortunately my Casey Cat demands not only her breakfast, she also wants to go outside and won’t hesitate to purr loudly in my face. Very demanding. 😺
My identity as a biker has also gone downhill. Although I am welcomed as Macs spouse by the Widows Sons, I am fairly certain my riding days are over. On the upside I think I can sell the Streetglide this coming spring. This has been really hard, as I’ve ridden many many miles over the past 50 odd years, with so much fun, wonderful sites to see, some wicked storms, coast to coast in my country and the United States and into Mexico.
Now I’m retired, so I’m Im not even an economic developer! Not that I miss it, and there isn’t a wallet deep enough to get me working in municipal government again, but I must admit my profession has had some very cool rewarding twists and turns, travel overseas to Norway, and the Caribbean, awesome staff, accolades I never envisioned when I started. Yeah it had some perks. heck I think it was a great way to travel all over North America!
Tonite as I wrap up what could become a pity party, I realize I’m no longer who I was. Oh Im I’m still a sarcastic, red neck, but I am working hard to distract myself.
I’m a traveller. This summer’s wandering to the prairies and the US showed me I’m braver than I thought, camping in my car…very good for rebuilding my self confidence. The laughing and b.s.ing along with a few scotches didn’t hurt either. I recently flew to Vancouver for a wedding, and super fun get together with the old crew, then to Tumbler Ridge to see mom and Bob. An aside, the bumpy flight home was almost air sickness: note to self, no seafood chowder before a flight. Now my sites are set for a 2024 road trip to who knows? Virginia? who knows!!
I’m now a member of the Legion, which means Fridays I can get out, socialize, and make some new acquaintances., some of whom are fast becoming friends. Its a safe, welcoming group where I can get a decent dinner and a beer for $15.00 (I think I’ve mentioned in previous blogs my challenge with cooking)
I joined a Seniors Core Strength yoga group - definitely outside my comfort zone, since I end up sore and achy after the really big stretches. Finding out a couple of things about myself like a) I have no sense of balance, and b) flexible is not an accurate descriptive for myself. I’m working on it. Much healthier than cookies and chips (see previous no cooking reference)
I’m a Rotarian, and trying to organize my time to make the meetings! Lol As I write these new things, Its clear I’m slowly evolving over time. I mean, I went to bingo one night with a new friend. I am comfortable going to my neighbour's in my PJ’s with coffee in hand to chat about weather, life, pets, etc. I bought a new to me car.
Life may not always be smooth sailing, but so many supportive friends make it much more bearable. Admittedly I have slid into depression, not deep or self harming, but a brutal loneliness for someone who won’t be back. A shallow depression? Lol But as I write tonight about the good things in my life, I reassured that I will survive and even thrive.
I mean, I am now watching hockey on TV! Me and the cat, beer and chips - go Habs! I did actually cook this week, a delicious steak and spud meal, some yakasoba noodles with pork and shrimp and now a fridge full of leftovers. And my house is festive with 20 Santas distributed throughout and the tree decorated.
Thanks friends for keeping me out of the ditches as it were. I’m safe and warm, as a storm rages outside. Hugs to y’all 🤗💕✌️
