Sounds from my bedroom window…

 Nearing the halfway mark at end of June, its not hot, per sae, where I live, but may reach 18C on a sunny afternoon.  And warm air above means fog in the early hours.  Thick, pea soupy fog which limits your view.  Well limits my view anyways, which usually is of the ocean and across the water to Malcolm island.  Beyond that lies Broughton Strait dividing us from the mainland.  Its a pretty darn gorgeous view which I enjoy from the comfort of my bed. 

Summer brings tourists and also huge cruise ships.  They are impressive to see when they sail majestically between my house and Malcolm island.  And when they are on the other side, well then they are hidden, and I’m unaware of hundreds of passengers heading to Alaska.  Unless there is heavy fog. 

Its law that they blow their horns in the fog.  And becaise I have an app showing marine traffic (because after all, I want to know whats out there…blame it on being from the prairies🤓) when I hear ‘em, I can identify ‘em.  

Just before 4 this morning I heard what I think of as “the regular fog horn” which isn’t loud but its steady. To me it sounds quieter, reedy, “smaller”.  Not really enough to wake me.  But the Hoooo of a big ship, its unmistakable.  A sound much louder, deeper, substantial.  It echos off surrounding islands, very romantic.   And of course it makes me check on my Marine Traffic app.  What to my wondering ears did appear? Well its the Disney Wonder, followed by the Norwegian  Jewel.  Two beautiful big ships on their way to Ketchican Alaska.  

Whats cool is often on their way south to Vancouver on their return voyage, they sail on this side of Malcolm island.  A few times Ive seen the Disney ship with the mickey mouse ears painted on the funnels, and even heard their ships horn play “When you wish upon a star.”  Now that was a jaw dropper the first time I heard it! 

As these two sailed on, out of site still..i could tell whose horn was whose by their tone.  Its wonderous to hear  sounds of the ocean.  Ships, huge tug boats hauling islands of gravel on barges, fishing boats…including locals setting crab traps just off shore.  Then Mother Nature, never to be outdone, fires up a plethora of bird song, the occasional whale blow, sea lions..its a veritable din!  But for now its mellow.  The smaller fog horn, likely a lighthouse, is all that I can hear.  

A gentle morning has returned, wrapped in fog, luring me back to sleep. 😌🥱😴

This ain't no dress rehearsal folks.

 I love Maddie Please.  A wonderful author who’ve I discovered thanks to my friends at the Milo Book Club.  Let me explain.  The Wine, ‘ er Book Club was a wonderful social group of smart, fun,  creative  women where I used to live. And we actually did read books, and thru them I read The Old Birds Club.  As an over 60 something gal, the characters spoke to me, made me guffaw at times.  It was the kind of read that my dear hubby Mac would say “stop reading, you’re laughing and shaking the bed.  I’m trying to sleep”.  Hey its tough to laugh not out loud. 

And that was it - I was hooked on her writing.  Feel good stories, often with new adventures to be had by daring groups of friends who were mostly my age.  Good fun reads that wouldn’t let me put them down.  

Now were there steamy lusty bits to these books? No shades of grey thank goodness!  But lots of love, romance, wonderful honest and often goofy new encounters .  Women who took a chance, who succumbed to the call of a new challenge, of travels, and relationships.  I guess the characters were so real to me her books were easy to relate to. 

The latest book was set in Tuscany. A Vintage Vacation.   A place that has held my imagination ever since reading Under the Tuscan Sun.  In this book the main character realizes she was not getting younger, and this was it.  Her life.  Why not figure out what she wanted from it and make the most of it.  And that hit me hard.  Ok i may have 20, 25 years left.  If thats The Plan. As a friend told me “this is it, no dress rehearsal “. And I had to stop and ask myself - So just what do I want from those years?  Do I want to be That Widow who watches TV with a beer and her cat on a Saturday night?  Or do I want to push the envelope and step a wee bit out of my comfort zone?

I suspect my upcoming KIA Kar Kamping trip will be a good start at sorting that out!  I’m ready to test my air mattress, my coffee making skills on a one burner stove, and sleeping in the car.  Did I mention I’m a little scared of the dark?  Lol I’m sure Ill be ok, with my flashlight, air horn and bear spray!

Maybe I’ll text Maddie and let her know how I manage! She did friend me on Facebook after all.  Stay tuned. 

I'm off to see the wizard….

 A gorgeous sunny morning here on the Island, and Im doing what John and I said we would do once retired.  Coffee, bagel and cream cheese, hummingbirds abounding, and listening to Donovan while we wake up.  Yup.  A lovely gentle start to a Monday.  

On our catio we have flowers and 2 red lawn chairs with cushions,  very colourful, very welcoming.  Today Casey Cat sat in Johns chair while I enjoyed the music, and the Thrush vied for the most volume while it sang to me.  

We watched hummingbirds, jostling for position at the feeder.  Good thing I made a new batch of food to refill it this morning!  Amazing how much they consume.

Today I head to the Royal Bank 2 hours and a bit to the south to find out how to manage Johns estate.  The lady I made the appointment with sounded nice, lets see if we can get things reorganized so stuff continues copacetically.  Is that a word?  Almost have all the paperwork under control, hoping I feel as optimistic when I get back home!  I’m managing  to keep my head above water, good thing since I never did learn to tread water. Feeling optimistic that  I can handle the road ahead.  

I’m so grateful for all my amazing friends and the love and support I get.  Albeit occasionally Marlean takes over my brain and I forget I’m almost sixtyyacht and I want to go on a Grand Adventure.  🤓.  

Better talk myself down and be calm, cool and collected for the Bank Lady.  Lol  down Wanda, down!😎

Halfway thru 2023…whats next?

 Its June.  Halfway thru the year.  5 months into semi retirement, full time wondering what the universe has in store for me now?

Mornings are slower, no imminent tasks, Casey is pretty easy to please.  Food, treats, a pet and the occasional jaunt to the “catio” to harass the hummingbirds.  Seems pretty simple, shes got her sunny spot to watch the world go by.

As for me, this morning coffee is brought to you by Peace and Quiet.  In bed.  Straining my eyes to see Seven Seas Explorer glide from behind Hanson Island,  I don’t covet a trip on a floating mall, but as my close friends know, I do like an adventure.  

Wouldn’t you know it, I saw a truck for sale!  I could trade me Sorrento and go travel, camp, be self sufficient!  Hmmm the only hitch to my plan was of course Money!  Lol ok, there must be another way.  My dad, Big Al, always had “another way” and perhaps that trait keeps me on this wonky life journey. Mom was never one to step back from a challenge, so maybe its genetic?  And Mac was pretty damn fearless…if I started to doubt myself, he’d accuse me of being a “rough tough cream puff”!  Lol so now, I’m stepping off the ledge taking on a new adventure.

“Adventure - an unusual and exciting, typically hazardous experience or activity”. Sixty seven year old widow wants to travel 5,000 miles alone to see friends!  Yeah I’m up for that.  I confess, I am not immune to wanderlust!  

Having YouTubed “ways to travel on the cheap as a lone woman”, I discovered “camping in a KIA Sorrento”.  Like my Sorrento!  It just had a clean checkup at the latest oil change, brakes are good, tires are fair.  Yes!  I always threatened Mac we could make a bed and sleep in the back of our car…so as you may have guessed, I’m going for it!  $500 on Amazon, which is about $70,000 less than a truck and camper, and I’m pretty confident this will happen.   Now to make a list (I live by my lists these days) I have a partial distraction from dealing with banks and sadness.  I’m still alone.  I will continue to be alone since there is No Way in H-E-double hockey sticks that Casey will be a travelling cat!  Lol 

Checking my Must Have for life on the road: Camp chair, coffee pot, little stove, pillow, comforter, mattress: check on all that and more!  Creating a cozy nest that is a) lockable and b) off the ground is appealing. If I feel unsafe, scootch into the drivers seat and vrooom I’m gone.  Oh dear, what if someone stands in front of the car trying to stop me?  Your 180 lb ass will not be a threat to my 5,738 lbs of steel.  And one pissed off, adrenaline fueled old gal with bad hair! Marlean rides again. 

To be continued

Moving forward - Healing and feeling.

 Anyone in the market for a shiny red Heritage soft tail?  Yes selling the pretty red bike, advertised but oh man there are a lot of Harleys on the market!  My riding days are now officially behind me, since i sold my chaps, gloves and helmet.  Lol well memories are preserved! Now on to make new ones.

My friends and family call and txt me everyday, checking to see if I’m ok.  Which I mostly am.  Mostly.  But now and then, a weak moment.  Its natural.  But one more condescending “well you know there are 5 stages of grief ” is getting a throat punch!  Lol

I even had a moment of “great, now I’m stuck on this fucking island!” One road back and forth, unless i venture  to You-clueless or Stone-fino…little potatoes fav surf spot.  Lol no thanks!

We used to sit and watch shows about narrowboat canal cruising.  It lit the fire in us for wanderlust!  Travel has always been a big draw, providing adventure and new delights!  So to cheer myself up this aft I’ve been checking out ocean and river cruises (may need some lottery wins to do those!) so I will settle for island adventures and the upcoming Montana journey. Researching island wineries I’m amazed at choices!  Maybe a day trip, some retail therapy and a night out of town?  Sounds enticing.  And maybe healing.  Heaven knows I’m feeling pretty gutted…alone is the word that comes to mind.  Alone more than lonely.

I’ve never lived alone. I am not sure I like my own company that much.  However there is a secret weapon afoot.  My lovely furry friend Casey.  Casey who never ever was affectionate except to trill and beg for treats.  To my astonishment and delight she’s become a calm love ball who comes over, curls up on my lap while I watch TV, and purrs.  She’s trying to heal my broken heart.  And I love her for it!  It’s like she knows its now the two of us.  What an amazing intuitive kitty!  She comes to wake me in the morning, she purrs and trills to me as if she’s reassuring me that its gonna be ok.  And oddly, but this all started the day after John died.  She was always his cat, never mine.  She still patrols looking for him.  Yup, animals sense things.  

I had coffee this a.m. and said I cant wait till I can talk about other things than my loss, my heartache and feeling alone.  It will come.  I hope.  But i suspect its going to take a bit of time.  I hope you - my friends - will continue to bear with me.  

Love to all of you. 💚❤️💚❤️

Endless paperword…nothing is simple

 When I first started looking into my dear departed husbands accounts, it quickly became apparent he was complicated.  Yup.  Since I wasn’t smart enough to record all his passwords, or rather I kept the records “in a safe place” it has been less than organized.  In fact, its become a friggin mess!  And yet, my menno-stubbornness prevails!

Once the hurdle of an official death certificate was overcome, it helped a lot.  So proof in hand I made a list - which I promptly lost - only to rediscover it a week later.

Thank goodness for some amazing friends coming to my rescue!  For coffee, for patience - works wonders.  First mom - every day “are you eating.” When she discovered my coffee and chocolate diet.  I mean I was too numb to cook.  Thank you to friends bringing prepared meals , you rock.Now its out to my fav coffee shops for some vittles in the a.m.  Not forever, just for now.

Needing to regain a feeling of control I decided to sell and donate some “stuff”.  To assist John’s long time buddy Bubba came from Vancouver and we tackled our storage C Can.  My my…a Lot of stuff.  In no particular order he discovered 2,436 screwdrivers of all sizes, and 893 hex keys.  Lol.  “Did Mac get a set every time he needed one?”   Perhaps…lol but in his defence  none were in a central location.  So while we sorted “stuff” and I'd exclaim I’d found some…lol he would mutter “damn MacArthur”   Lol but we made progress, he got things organized and now everyone gets screwdrivers as lovely hostess gifts.  Lol

Recently I had advertised “stuff” on Facebook Marketplace.  And stuff sold!  But although I appreciate support should a buyer discover my recent loss and want to hug me Ive had to quickly decline - mostly because hugs from strangers are a bit uncomfortable. Am I hugged out?  No…I just needed a wee break.  

The overwhelming outpouring of kindness has humbled me.  John had so many friends, he’d touch so many lives - all over the world.  Whether his Zoom Masonic brother in Scotland, to messages from Germany, all over the USA and Canada, its been wonderful.  

Today I discovered Ive misplaced (lost is such a nasty word) my sweeties bank card.  Oopsy.  So that creates more work, lol just what I need.  Tomorrow I’m driving south to Campbell River to collect his ashes.  I know it will be exhausting.  So I have decided to book a room to overnight at Painters Lodge.  Its a place we always said we wanted to stay at, and so we will.  

I will survive all of this grief.  It sneaks up on me at the strangest times.  But mostly I am filled with joyous memories.  They give me smiles, warm fuzzies, and for that I am thankful.  

Fair winds and following seas my darling!

In a flash…everything changed.

How fragile is our existence.  Oh we make plans, we laugh, celebrate, comfort each other and take care of each other.  The man I loved, who loved me, and thanked me daily for loving and caring for him is gone.   

John MacArthur who I often refer to as Mac was my hilarious, brilliant, wonderfully stubborn Scot of a husband of 23 years.  From a penthouse in Vancouver, to a row house in Fort Simpson NWT, back to the wide open spaces of southern Alberta and now to a wee townhouse on Vancouver Island its time I have never regretted a moment of it. Thankfully we chose Dawson Creek over the Falkland Islands … more on that another time.

He always said his Gran would scold him, saying “only the good die young, John you’ll live forever.”  Sadly, Gran was wrong.   Legend has it he was a headstrong young man, bearded at  15, up and down the west coast on his motorcycles, breaking rules and hearts.  I’m guessing he had a big grin the whole time! In the late 60’s he hung on Haight Ashbury in Frisco, partied with the Grateful Dead, saw ALL the cool bands.  In the words of Eric Burdon “Jeans of blue harley davidson too, on a warm San Fransico night”.  Oh the stories, I can only imagine the ones he didn’t tell me.

John said me his life was enviable - “I did everything I dreamed of when I was just a boy.”  A logger, a sailor, a policeman, air traffic controller, a Freemason and Widows Son, a Coastal Guardian (lol the Russians Are Coming)…oh and the U.S. Department of State and Australian Government.  Yup…busy man.  He described himself as a Cold Warrior.  Read into that as you may.

But mostly he was a big hearted charmer.  Whether feeding runaways and street kids at Kool Aid in Vancouver, or counselling a health worker as a Human Resources professional,  to working with local miners in Columbia, he really loved to help people.  

He died too early.  Death caught me off guard, we were going to live forever.  He was more in tune with mortality than I, and in retrospect he was helping prepare me to be on my own.  A new computer is waiting, still in a box.  New cookware to make sure I would eat healthy. Fixed the oven so it actually was 400 not 325 .  A good man.  An amazing partner.  

We had many adventures.  Rode our motorcycles all over north America.  Made lots of friends and he knew someone no matter where we went.  On a river cruise through Europe we ended up sharing a dinner table with a couple from the USA.  Turned out both guys were coast guard, and had worked together!  

Today as I read the many condolences received, from all over the world I wept at comments of his generosity, kindness, wisdom and how respected John was.  I am so proud of him.  

My journey will forever be changed.  He left so suddenly, so finally.  I know my adventures  will be written “in a different font” from now on.  As I struggle to stay strong I know his love will remain, and I’m not alone.  My faith is my foundation.  

The motorcycles will be sold, it wouldn’t be the same.  I have no plans to relocate, and Casey the cat and I will adapt to our changed lives.  I am so thankful for all the love and support our friends and family continue to give. 

P.S. speaking of adventure, I’m planning a trip to Alberta and Montana in July.  Girls gotta represent eh.

Miss ya Johnny. Until our next adventure.