I keep on searching…who the heck am I?

 Not to sound too depressing, or depressed, but its 7 months since my identity changed.  

I’m no longer a wife: not cherished, not loved passionately, no longer a partner at the table, or a co-conspirator planning the next adventure.  I don’t wake up to a big warm breathing man in the morning.  I think that is one of the toughest things to get my head around, the aloneness. I am fortunate that I have a wonderful strong group of friends who check in on me, encouraging me to get out and live.  Which I try to do.  More on that in a bit. But times the loneliness is hard to bear.  Thank God for so many wonderful memories.  

I’m no longer interested in getting up and getting cleaned up, dressed for the day.  Indeed my motivation for a day not just in pajamas  is tough to find, particularly on weekends.  When waking up at 3:30 a.m., checking messages and emails keeps me awake till 7 a.m., its super easy to just go back to sleep until later, as in 11:30 !!!  Not a good habit.  Fortunately my Casey Cat demands not only her breakfast, she also wants to go outside and won’t  hesitate to purr loudly in my face.  Very demanding. 😺

My identity as a biker has also gone downhill.  Although I am welcomed as Macs spouse by the Widows Sons,  I am fairly certain my riding days are over.  On the upside I think I can sell the Streetglide this coming spring.  This has been really hard, as I’ve ridden many many miles over the past 50 odd years, with so much fun, wonderful sites to see, some wicked storms, coast to coast in my country and the United States and into Mexico.  

Now I’m retired, so I’m Im not even an economic developer!  Not that I miss it, and there isn’t a wallet deep enough to get me working in municipal government again, but I must admit my profession has had some very cool rewarding twists and turns, travel overseas to Norway, and the Caribbean, awesome staff, accolades I never envisioned when I started.  Yeah it had some perks. heck I think it was a great way to travel all over North America!

Tonite as I wrap up what could become a pity party, I realize I’m no longer who I was.  Oh Im I’m still a sarcastic, red neck, but I am working hard to distract myself.  

I’m a traveller.  This summer’s wandering to the prairies and the US showed me I’m braver than I thought, camping in my car…very good for rebuilding my self confidence.  The laughing and b.s.ing along with a few scotches didn’t hurt either.  I recently flew to Vancouver for a wedding, and super fun get together with the old crew, then to Tumbler Ridge to see mom and Bob.  An aside, the bumpy flight home was almost air sickness:  note to self, no seafood chowder before a flight. Now my sites are set for a 2024 road trip to who knows?  Virginia?  who knows!!

I’m now a member of the Legion, which means Fridays I can get out, socialize, and make some new acquaintances., some of whom are fast becoming friends. Its a safe, welcoming group where I can get a decent dinner and a beer for $15.00  (I think I’ve mentioned in previous blogs my challenge with cooking)

 I joined a Seniors Core Strength yoga group - definitely outside my comfort zone, since I end up sore and achy after the really big stretches.  Finding out a couple of things about myself like a) I have no sense of balance, and b) flexible is not an accurate descriptive for myself.  I’m working on it.  Much healthier than cookies and chips (see previous no cooking reference)

I’m a Rotarian, and trying to organize my time to make the meetings!  Lol As I write these new things, Its clear I’m slowly evolving over time.  I mean, I went to bingo one night with a new friend. I am comfortable going to my neighbour's in my PJ’s with coffee in hand to chat about weather, life, pets, etc.  I bought a new to me car.  

Life may not always be smooth sailing, but so many supportive friends make it much more bearable.  Admittedly I have slid into depression, not deep or self harming, but a brutal loneliness for someone who won’t be back.  A shallow depression?  Lol  But as I write tonight about the good things in my life, I reassured that I will survive and even thrive.

I mean, I am now watching hockey on TV!  Me and the cat, beer and chips - go Habs!  I did actually cook this week, a delicious steak and spud meal, some yakasoba noodles with pork and shrimp and now a fridge full of leftovers.  And my house is festive with 20 Santas distributed throughout and the tree decorated.  

Thanks friends for keeping me out of the ditches as it were.  I’m safe and warm, as a storm rages outside.  Hugs to y’all 🤗💕✌️

Hey look at me, I’m Cooking!

 The cost of stuff is getting ridiculous!  As all of you may have noticed.  I thought gas was crazy in BC, let alone on the north end of Vancouver Island!  Well, yes it is, however this weekend I, going to “motor” to the new Coop gas bar in nearby Port Hardy.  Also because I have a Coop card and may as well get the member discount.  

Today however, I got sticker shock when I purchased deodorant.  Regular old Secret for women, no designer, high end, fancy schmancy pit deodorizer.  I nearly choked: $8.60 for one!  Crazy!  It cost $3. More than thru Amazon!  Sooo next time I may just order online. 

Online seems to be the answer, and while I don’t like making Jeff Bezos even more of a kazillionaire, (he didn’t even send us a Christmas  card last year) it seems to make sense financially. I mean c’mon, I am a senior, on a fixed income!!  Albeit a lively, smart arse, hilarious senior, but I digress.

So back to the title: I’m cooking.  Yup, its been nearly 6 months but I am making food, instead of take out or just chocolate and red wine. Cooking for one has definitely been an adjustment.   I can’t keep raw veg in my fridge, since the crispers are either a) filling with water, the source of which I have yet to identify, or b) freezing my veg rock solid in crisper #2.  So since we used to get Hello Fresh delivered in Alberta, and even here in Port McNowhere, the nice delivery man brings me a box with three well planned meals, every Tuesday.  

Let me break it down: each meal is a generous portion intended for 2 people.  Now since I’m a one woman show, this means 1 meal is split into two, either lunch and dinner or two dinners.  So two days of food per meal.  This translates into potentially 6 meals in a week, for around $50 total or $8.33 a meal.  The bonus is so far I am actually getting 3 or 4 meals out of one meal package.  And yes they are delicious and not just noodles and burger. 

Oh I still find reasons to go to the grocery store, for pop, chips, bagels, and creamer.  But now no more agonizing over what to make.  Added bonus: each meal has veggies!  Uhuh.  And when I really crave variety, I go to the Legion and grab the $10 Friday home cooked vittles!  (Tomorrow beef dip!  Yummo) 

The only down side is I still have to do dishes.  Thank goodness I have a dishwasher, lol.   

P.S. today I even mentioned baking Christmas cookies!   OMG yes, life goes on! 

Prepping for a long wet winter ahead….He Shoots He Scores!

 Big News:  I’m watching hockey on television again! 

Oh its been at least three decades, back when LaFleur was still racing up and down the ice.  But inspired by my puck addicted friends, I signed up for Sports Net and tonight watched the Habs beat the Blackhawks.  It was great! Indeed I was by myself, along with the cat who slept through the game. How could I have forgotten how exciting the watching hockey could be? Goals, penalties, a few minor fights (more shoving matches) and one bloody nose. ..I found myself yelling along, “c’mon pass, Pass!,” and “Take the shot, ohhh darn it was open”,  I had a blast!  Well provisioned with a cold beer, a buttery bowl of popcorn, and some home made chili - which was delish - it was a superb way to spend Saturday night. 

I recall when my high school friend Yvonne and I were in the full throes of hockey mania, early 70’s, we’d come to my house to watch the game.  My Dad however was a 100% to his dying day a Toronto Maple Leaf fan,  and hearing us cheer Montreal when the Leafs were playing:  well he’d unceremoniously kick us out of the house.  Lolol When in my late teens as a waitress I actually served veal cutlets to Foster Hewitt:  the radio broadcaster renowned for his Hockey Night in Canada phrase “He shoots,  he scores!” I think he was surprised at how this dorky teen was over the moon, meeting this man, who in my eyes was a hockey Legend! A brush with greatness? 

When I was really young hockey ruled the roost - back in The tiny Saskatchewan farm community we lived, the outdoor rink held many games, and my dad was always on the ice.  There was a shack with a wood stove where we’d  thaw frozen fingers and toes, where I learned how to cinch up my brothers skates.  Some times we’d trudge to the farm just out of town, push shovels on the dugout to clear a rink of our own,  at Buhlers Farm.  I’m pretty sure one of their boys made it to the NHL.  

In my-hand-me down boys skates, I thought having my own stick and whipping along the rink was heavenly.  Decades later, when I had a full time job, one of my first big purchases was a new pair of girls skates. Figure skates .  My first time out was skating on a lake, where I promptly caught a toe pick in a crack on the ice, and did a belly flop that knocked the wind out of me!  Other more graceful gals I hung out with laughed at me, saying I skated like a boy.  Well yes, I probably did. 😅

My winter will be filled with Stuff.  Saturday night hockey, church Sunday, two core strenthen/stretch classes during the week, and Legion supper Friday.  Heck I am even thinking of becoming a regular volunteer to prep food for Friday dinners.  Its a super deal: dinner and dessert $10, and $5 for a beer.  

Early November I’ll be doing some travelling to a wedding in Surrey and to see mom in Tumbler Ridge.  December my sister and I are off to Mexico for a week.  My biggest decision is whether or how much should I decorate for Christmas.  Then its on to another year.  

P.S.  I may have to do the January turkey 🦃 since the frozen stuffed breast at Thanksgiving was….well lets say it may have been turkey-like, but I'm spoiled.  I ended up chucking half of it in the bin.  I’m going to seek a replacement, cook it on a Saturday and enjoy all the leftovers I desire!  

Until next time, keep your stick on the ice.

Gobble Gobble! 🍂 🦃 🍁

 Well my friends  and family, tis Thanksgiving weekend in Canada.  A weekend where the crisp fall air is redolent with the smell of roasting turkey, with gravy, mashed potatoes and stuffing…and never forget cranberries.  

Its a time to be grateful.  To appreciate what you have, what you've had, and the year so far.  Now I’ll admit, there has been a major upset in my year.  One I will never forget, but I am also filled with gratefulness for the previous 23 years with my favorite person,  my darling husband Mac.  And that brings me back to Thanksgiving.  

Traditionally, this is kick off to the Endless Season of Turkey.  yes Mac was a bonafide turkey-a-holic.  Starting out with the selection of the Thanksgiving bird, which he claimed had to be a 25 pounder at minimum, and which was always a fall feast to remember!  He loved to prepare, in a variety of ways,  his “guest of honour” to kick off the turkey months to come.

Along with the Thanksgiving Turkey, there was then the November pre-Christmas “practise turkey”, followed by the December Christmas bird, and culminating in his January “birthday turkey.”   yes, he did take his bird seriously. 

Sometimes roasted to perfection, stuffed with a delicious traditional dressing, one year with Oyster stuffing, one woth Sausage stuffing and one with “historically accurate” stuffing.  This last one involved cranberries, hazelnuts, onion, and should have been delicious.  Let me explain.

Mac wanted to do the dressing as the First Canadians dressed their birds.  So native nuts and berries were used.  When we tested the bird, with the traditional Mennonite stick a fork in the thigh, to our shock the juices ran red!  Back into the oven it went, 45 more minutes.  Another test, another flow of red juice! Finally we clued in if a person puts whole raw cranberries into the dressing, it runs red…with cranberry juice!  

Another year, while living in Vancouver, we shopped at Stongs, a renowned grocery store, and as I rolled the cart to the produce section, I saw Mac in the check out line.  I hurried over to see him cradling the biggest turkey Ever in his arms, a huge happy grin .. “look at this one”!  He honestly looked like a wee lad carrying a fluffy puppy…  it was a fresh, never frozen, “ethically killed, organic “ bird, that weighed 32lbs!!!  The teller was giggling at my reaction to this behemoth of a bird, I wasn’t sure it would fit in our oven!   Well it did, it was perfection and to date the best turkey I’ve ever had!   Thankfully we had some guests with big appetites to share in the feast.  

Then came life in the NWT where he bbqed a bird on the rotisserie, which apparently our neighbors had never seen, so we again had a family of neighbors share in the bounty.  Add the wonderful spatchcocked turkeys whether on the bbq, in the smoker or in the oven, he always amazed me with his cooking prowess.  

I am going to miss those turkey-paloozas, the resultant gallons of soup, curries, gravy…. I actually found 2 turkeys in the freezer when I shifted contents to one, to sell the second freezer this past month.  One went to the church where it has gone to a family in need.  The other will go to the neighbor for a big meal.  

As for me, a turkey addict by association, I purchased a stuffed breast, which ill have Monday.  A gal has to have some leftovers for turkey buns ya know!  I’m thawing the last of frozen homemade gravy and have buns and mayo on standby.

And tonight, while I’m so grateful for the past 23 years, I am also thankful for my friends who care for me and check in on me.  Tonight I’m dining with awesome friends, and their huge family, so grateful they are in my life.

To you, my dear friends, family and readers, I remind you - be grateful and thankful for the many wonderful blessings you receive.  😍💕

A second full moon, and one less molar!

 The evening Mac died, he made me promise to take care of my teeth.  Sounds weird, but he seemed adamant, and since the offending molar had broken three times, mercifully without much oain, and after cancelling my appointment and rebooking twice, I had the dirty deed done yesterday.  Oh it was a gooder, a curved root, not much for Doc to grab onto so it was mega frozen, then wiggled, broken, cut and finally out in 4 pieces.  Dang. That meant after I thawed, my jaw, neck and head were sore but the tooth was gone!  Today I am much better, on

I needed two tylenols yesterday, none today, and felt good enuff to carefully eat a bagel (with cream cheese and a cuppa tea) in the words of Gloria Gaynor “I will survive”. 

On the 23rd the Celebration of Life was just that: a celebration.  With very good friends who came from Alberta, Vancouver and Victoria, as well as his Masonic brothers and some Port McNeill buddies, it was wonderful, and Mac would have enjoyed it.  And afterwards, a sense of peace came over me, and many of his friends.  It was the closure we were seeking, and God filled my heart with joy.  

As I reflected on this past month, I decided it was time to keep moving forward and so enter Amazon, and three new maps ordered!  Even though I’m not 100% sure where I'm off to, I am 100% sure a long drive is in the stars!  Definitely to The Widows Sons N/S run in the Crowsnest in July, then who knows? Perhaps a stop first and set up in the Cypress Hills?  I’m hoping camping in Wisconsin  with an old girlfriends  to rehash our silly past exploits, then look up friends in Illinois and  farther south.   

While I was pondering future adventures, I stumbled across one of Johns journals.  Gorgeous, hand made pages, leather bound and sadly the first entry was made 4 days before he died.  A somber reminder, and to me an inspiration to continue my journey and record places, people and adventures, and in a small way always taking a part of him with me.  

“The road goes ever on and on, down from the door where it began.  Now far ahead the road has gone, and I must follow, if I can.”J.R.R. Tolkien

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Wake up Marlean, you’ve got things to do!

 Wow that last blog was sad.  I honestly think I had bottomed out.  And now, having read some really inspirational stuff, having let it sink in that he’s not coming back, and that that I need to move forward - I do believe I'm Okay.  Actually, I’m doing good! 

Ok I must be a bit slow on the uptake at times, but it hit me:  this is now my life.  I love having new challenges, I love being retired, and I can travel!  People keep asking me how I’m doing, today I answered Great!  Because I know in my heart of hearts that a ton of new as well as familiar experiences await me.  

It was “the wee small voice” reassuring me that this too is part of The Plan. I am not alone, and I have faith that more will unfold as it should. Faith gets me through life, why would I not trust it now?

So always one to grab a challenge, my fall months are rapidly getting busy right into winter. Macs celebration of life is happening in two weeks.  He loved to feed his friends so we start the afternoon with pulled pork, Carolina Style!  It will be great to share some memories and laugh with friends old and new. 

November his nephew and new wife are having a gathering to celebrate their recent wedding in the Philippines, so I’m heading to Surrey for a big party - Philippine style!  Can’t  wait.  And in December I’m off to Mexico with my sister.  Mac would be proud, and of course remind me to behave.  Lol

I continue to plan another summer road trip in Wanda, and so I’m going to take a few days to test the new car camping capabilities. Wanda will shine! Since I’m retired, I don’t have to wait for the weekends!

Else wise, I have been cooking meals (eating all that beef and chicken in the freezer) and trying to wean myself off of takeout, beer and cookies.  The struggle is real!  However I don’t want to struggle with my new bathing suits when we hit Puerto Vallarta eh.?  

I have even been researching a move in spring.  When and If  I finally do decide to relocate possibly back to the flatlands (Mac called it the Motherland) there will be many household items and furniture for sale!! Everything I keep has to fit in the car and on the roof rack,  Even Casey!  🙀

So with a joyful heart I look forward to this month.  September, with that amazing full moon, the smell of fall in the air, and new winter tires on the horizon.  Camping will be chilly, good thing I have just the things to wear.  New day, new me. 

“God has a path for your feet to follow, a plan for your heart to discover and a purpose for your life to fulfill.”  

I can’t argue with that!

Cooking for my darling….

 Over the past 4 months cooking has fallen by the wayside.  I haven’t had much of an appetite except for chocolate, cookies, beers and wine.  Not the major food groups . Though Chips Ahoy would be on the cusp, just because they are soooo delicious. 

Oh I have made the odd attempt, Eggos for breakfast, a scrambled egg here and there.  Heck I even baked up 4 croissants from frozen dough this a.m.  That may have spurred me on to make a fantastic dinner!

Chicken fried golden crispy, a plethora of amazing fresh veggies sautéed, then the whole she ang seasoned and baked for 90 minutes.  The house smelled fantastic.  The chicken was perfect, the veggies were tender and so flavourful.    

So tonight I set the table, ate from china plates, and had a perfect chilled glass of Reisling to accompany the meal.  And said aloud Oh John, you would have loved this. 🥲 And I know in my heart of hearts, he would have. 

These are the times I really miss him. Desperately.  When my heart is breaking, and I cant help but cry.  When someone says oh “you are so strong” some days I want to scream “No I’m in more pain than you can imagine!” 

But I carry on!  He would have wanted me to.  To find joy in the beauty of a sunset, to laugh at silly jokes, to pray and have faith.  It ain’t easy but I know it will get better.   Have courage! 

Now I sit with a full belly, a tear and a lump in my throat, and I’m not gonna cry.  My cat knows how I feel, even though she’s hell bent on biting me these days.  I chalk it up to the coming autumn and a case of cabin fever. 🥴

Soon its September again.  Friends will celebrate his life on the autumnal equinox.  Weather will chill, and me and the cat will get out warm blankets and maybe hot chocolate.  

This week the North Island woke to booming thunder.  A rare occurrence up here.  And boy o boy did it remind me of my home on the prairies.  Oh it was no window rattling Alberta t-storm, but it was decent!  And it filled me with hope that some day I’ll return to where my roots are.  I know I will find a way, just not right now.  But it will happen 😎

In the words of Bruce Lee Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one.